2009-06-16

jasmindra: (Default)
2009-06-16 02:31 pm
Entry tags:

Been a while

And the title says it all. It has been a while. A little too long.

First, work sucks! I got totally burned out a few months ago and told my supervisor when he asked me if there was something I wanted to talk about. I told him how I was feeling and let him know that if there is anyone I am going to be honest with it is him. I understood how I was feeling and told me that he was going to help me start feeling better about my job. I appreciated his support. Anyways, fast forward a few weeks. I feel trapped within my current job. I need the money and I just can't leave without having something else lined up. Well, I recently got some feedback from my supervisor that made me cry. I was told that there are certain Lead Staff (staff members who hold leadership positions and are responsible for shifts) stated that they fear that I will not grow professionally anymore and see me as plateaued. Really? Thanks for the vote of confidence. Then the same Lead Staff stated (without saying this much) they feel that I am not a team player because I asked to have a different child in my small group. The first child is extremely violent and has told me on several occasions that any time he is alone with me that he is going to hurt me. If this child is anything other than violent, he is honest. I do not want to be alone with this child. Instead of asking me at the time to have this child in my group, she goes to the Lead Staff meeting and talks about me behind my back. And this person is so sweet and caring to your face. I am seriously beginning to loathe two faced people! Anyways, now she is watching me like hawk. Ugh. It makes me feel paranoid... like everything I am doing is wrong.

The same day my supervisor told me that one staff felt totally unsupported by me and that I was completely ineffective in a containment hold. She physically demonstrated to a child that he should listen to her directions. Things were going to well and it appeared that she had everything under control. The next thing I know she is rolling around on the floor with this child and has handfuls of her hair in his fists. I attempt to free her hair without harming her or the child. I am told later that I am supposed to do "whatever it takes" to protect other staff and myself even if that means harming a child. I am sorry but I know for a fact that if I did that I would talked to about it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Second, I got two rejection letters in the mail from the Department of Human Services. Apparently, the positions I have interviewed for were offered to other applicants. That is fine. I wish those people the best... It doesn't stop from feeling totally trapped in my job. I learned today that one of the positions I applied for and did not interview for (I wasn't asked to come in for an interview) is opening again for five days with four positions available. I have a good feeling about this but I am not getting my hopes up. The last time I did that I was horribly hurt when I checked the mail. My friend who works with DHS told me they feel like I have a good shot at being asked to come in. I hope so. I feel like I would be perfect for the job. My friend is in the same position now and has filled me in on the tasks it requires. I can absolutely do them. I know that I would be a lot happier with DHS since I would be getting more hours... full time and I would be making a lot more money than I making now. Hell a 20 hour job share position I applied for pays at least $300 more a month than my current job at 32 hours a week. I really hope this works out.

Third, I had a dream a few nights ago that I needed to rescue my baby. My family including my husband, mother, and sister were all in Target which happened to be the size of a Costco and I had "lost" my baby. I knew he was in the store somewhere and that I needed to keep him safe. There was this vague notion it was my child but I didn't have deep feelings for him. I searched the entire store and learned that I had to swim through shark infested waters to save him. Without hesitation, I jumped into the waters and rescued my son who was in my baby carrier on a platform in the middle of this tank. I set him in the cart and looked into his eyes. It was at that moment that I fell in love. He had big green eyes that sparkled with adoration and love for me. His head was crowned with light brown shiny locks. A smile spread across his face creating even bigger chubby cheeks. I moved to pick him and hold him when I suddenly woke up. In the moment of consciousness to follow, I wanted nothing more than to hold that child. This isn't the first time that I have dreamt about my children. Now the question is: Are these dream children of mine really my future children or simply my active imagination hard at work within the confines of my dream world? I don't know but if they are half as beautiful as they are in my dreams they be nothing short of stunning.

Well, that's all I have to say for now.